My Vista Conspiracy Theory

Put on your tin hats, boys and girls, I have a great conspiracy theory!

By now, most of you know Windows Vista is a big pile of garbage. It's as slow as molasses in January in Minnesota, it uses so much memory that it makes Fat Bastard look like Richard Simmons, it has more bugs than a New York city sewer, its new security measures are worse than a rectal exam at the airport, and there are so many versions of Vista to choose from that it'll make you more dizzy than drinking an entire bottle of Russian Vodka in one sitting.

Yep, Vista sucks like the black hole at the center of the galaxy. They should have called it Windows ME 2.0.

How could a company awash in cash and developer resources produce such an obvious blunder? Why would they unleash such a rabid beast on the unsuspecting public?

Is it gross incompetence? Is it unbridled hubris? Were the employees at Microsoft threatened with flying chairs and forced to release Vista before it was ready?

No, I say! NO! It's all part of a brilliant Microsoft plan! Here's my theory.

The 2008 elections are looming, and after the outrageous ineptitude displayed by the Republican Party these last several years, there's a very good chance we'll end up with a government dominated by Democrats.

Microsoft has gotten a free pass during our Republican dominated years. Heck, Microsoft has practically been encouraged to do whatever it wants, including stealing candy from crying babies.

But with the real possibility of Democrats taking control, the Department of Justice might once again try to, you know, dispense some actual justice. That means Microsoft might once again be punished for little transgressions like illegal monopoly maintenance.

Microsoft can dodge some legal bullets more easily if they can point to some competitors that aren't completely irrelevant. Apple may be their closest competitor, at least when it comes to operating systems.

So here's my theory of Microsoft's brilliant plan: They release a craptacular operating system -- Vista -- on purpose! They know Vista is a clusterfubar of monumental proportions, but that's exactly what they needed to release in order to purposefully boost sales of Macs and Mac OS X. By the time a new President is in the White House (which could very well be a Democrat), Apple's market share will have grown by leaps and bounds!

Then, the next time someone points at Microsoft and claims "illegal monopoly maintenance!!!" or the Department of Justice decides to start doing their job again, Microsoft can point to Apple and say, "But look! Apple is a serious threat to us now! They're a huge competitor gaining market share! Leave us alone to innovate! We need to innovate!!!"

Those people at Microsoft are geniuses!