My Vista Conspiracy Theory

Put on your tin hats, boys and girls, I have a great conspiracy theory!

By now, most of you know Windows Vista is a big pile of garbage. It's as slow as molasses in January in Minnesota, it uses so much memory that it makes Fat Bastard look like Richard Simmons, it has more bugs than a New York city sewer, its new security measures are worse than a rectal exam at the airport, and there are so many versions of Vista to choose from that it'll make you more dizzy than drinking an entire bottle of Russian Vodka in one sitting.

Yep, Vista sucks like the black hole at the center of the galaxy. They should have called it Windows ME 2.0.

How could a company awash in cash and developer resources produce such an obvious blunder? Why would they unleash such a rabid beast on the unsuspecting public?

Is it gross incompetence? Is it unbridled hubris? Were the employees at Microsoft threatened with flying chairs and forced to release Vista before it was ready?

No, I say! NO! It's all part of a brilliant Microsoft plan! Here's my theory.

The 2008 elections are looming, and after the outrageous ineptitude displayed by the Republican Party these last several years, there's a very good chance we'll end up with a government dominated by Democrats.

Microsoft has gotten a free pass during our Republican dominated years. Heck, Microsoft has practically been encouraged to do whatever it wants, including stealing candy from crying babies.

But with the real possibility of Democrats taking control, the Department of Justice might once again try to, you know, dispense some actual justice. That means Microsoft might once again be punished for little transgressions like illegal monopoly maintenance.

Microsoft can dodge some legal bullets more easily if they can point to some competitors that aren't completely irrelevant. Apple may be their closest competitor, at least when it comes to operating systems.

So here's my theory of Microsoft's brilliant plan: They release a craptacular operating system -- Vista -- on purpose! They know Vista is a clusterfubar of monumental proportions, but that's exactly what they needed to release in order to purposefully boost sales of Macs and Mac OS X. By the time a new President is in the White House (which could very well be a Democrat), Apple's market share will have grown by leaps and bounds!

Then, the next time someone points at Microsoft and claims "illegal monopoly maintenance!!!" or the Department of Justice decides to start doing their job again, Microsoft can point to Apple and say, "But look! Apple is a serious threat to us now! They're a huge competitor gaining market share! Leave us alone to innovate! We need to innovate!!!"

Those people at Microsoft are geniuses!

Does Apple Hate Java?

On October 26, 2007, Apple released Leopard, the latest and greatest version of the excellent operating system, Mac OS X.

Even though I haven't owned a Mac since the 1980s, I've been enjoying reading about Mac OS X online. The temptation to buy a Mac has never been greater, and I was very nearly ready to give in to that temptation .... until I realized, much to my dismay, that Apple hates Java.

You see, these days, I'm mostly a Java developer. Oh sure, I still use C, and dabble with Python, and do a bit of HTML and JavaScript too, but I'm primarily a Java developer.

Java does a very good job with, "Write Once, Run Everywhere." Not perfect, mind you -- but still, a very good job. And, as a Java developer, I thought to myself, "Self, as a Java developer, you could probably switch to a Mac pretty easily, since Apple supports Java!"

Well, Apple does support Java ... poorly. Leopard, for some reason, didn't ship with Java 6. Okay, that alone is a huge disappointment, given that Java 6 has already been out for other operating systems for about a year. But surely Leopard will ship with the latest version of Java 5! Right?

Nope. A lot of rumors, from several reliable sources, have been saying that Java 5 on Leopard is buggy and broken. What the hell, Apple?

Given the army of Java developers out there, you would think Steve Jobs would try to make Mac OS X one of the best development platforms for Java in the world. Unfortunately, he can't even be bothered to ship a decent Java runtime for Mac OS X.

This baffles me. Presumably, a lot of Java developers chose Java over competitors like .NET / C# because they dislike Microsoft (for whatever reason). The battle to win the hearts and minds of those developers is already 1/2 won! Why not go the rest of the distance and make Java on Mac a priority, Apple? You could win the hearts and minds of a lot of Java developers with ease, who would then presumably write software for Mac OS X, which would in turn entice more people to use Macs.

Needless to say, this major stumbling block makes my decision to not buy a Mac an easy one.

Come on, Apple. Get with it.